Domestic Violence: Signs, Facts, and Best Resources

Every year, law enforcement in California receives over 100,000 calls related to intimate partner violence or family violence—and that is not counting the thousands of cases that go unreported. Even in situations where victims are safely able to leave their abusers, the trauma they have to deal with is lifelong.

If you or a loved one is dealing with a DV situation, it can feel overwhelming and as if there is no way out. However, help is available. Here is what you need to know about recognizing intimate partner violence and what to do. If you are ready to leave, or want to help someone leave, a domestic violence lawyer can help you find a way out.

1. Understanding what Domestic Violence is

Understanding what domestic violence actually encompasses is often the first step in helping survivors. Many people think of DV as the stereotype of a man hitting a woman and leaving bruises, but there are many different forms of violence, and the signs of abuse are often far more difficult to spot.

Domestic abuse can happen to anyone, which is why it is important to combat stereotypes about what abuse and what survivors look like. Approximately 10% of American men will experience intimate partner violence in their lifetime.

Understanding the facts about abuse makes it easier for survivors to get help and cut through the shame and stigma that so often surrounds Domestic Violence.

1.1 Domestic Violence: A Definition

Domestic abuse encompasses so many types of abuse that it is difficult to have a definition that will encompass the experience of all survivors.

The best definition of this term is that domestic violence is when one person attempts to control or dominate another person through any means possible. This can include physical violence, emotional manipulation, financial coercion, and more that will get expanded on later.

By definition, DV happens between two people who are in an intimate relationship or otherwise closely related. Abuse can happen anywhere, from the workplace to the family, but domestic abuse is the term specifically for people in relationships. That is why it is sometimes called intimate partner violence (IPV) or interpersonal violence.

1.2 What Are the Consequences of Domestic Abuse?

The consequences of experiencing intimate partner violence are far-reaching. The most immediate are the physical effects. Many victims wind up with injuries ranging from bruises to broken bones to organ damage. Some abusers even wind up killing their partners. The WHO estimates that 38% of women murdered globally are murdered by abusive partners (some UN estimates put the percentage even higher).

The physical consequences go beyond bruises and broken bones. Survivors of sexual abuse are at higher risk of STDs because the abuser often refuses to use protection and forces sex on the survivor. Survivors are at a higher risk of unwanted pregnancies as a result of unprotected sex, and often experience violence during the pregnancy as well.

The emotional consequences of surviving domestic abuse often last longer than the physical ones. Survivors experience years of trauma after their ordeals. Many survivors report difficulty working, forming intimate relationships and even friendships after years of abuse, or going about their daily lives after surviving IPV. Many survivors struggle with depression, PTSD, and feelings of low self-worth and self-blame.

The consequences go beyond affecting the victim. If there are any children in the house witnessing domestic abuse, the consequences are lasting for them as well in the form of PTSD, depression, and anxiety. Boys who grow up in abusive households are twice as likely to become abusers themselves when they grow up.

1.3 Types of Domestic/Intimate Partner Violence

There are many types of abuse and coercion that perpetrators use to control their victims. Understanding them can help you have a more comprehensive picture of domestic violence.

Most abusers use a combination of different methods to maintain control over a partner, and one form of abuse rarely happens in isolation.

1.3.1 Physical Abuse:

Physical violence is the most well-known form of abuse. Physical violence includes hitting, pushing, or any forms of physical harm inflicted on a survivor. There are other ways that partners who inflict physical violence on victims can do so besides hitting. For example, depriving a victim of sleep, food, and water is another form of physical abuse, as is forcing victims to take substances or denying medical treatment.

Physical abuse is not always directed at the survivor. An abuser can hit dependents such as children, abuse a victim’s pets, or destroy the victim’s possessions. Physical violence done with the goal of intimidating a victim is physical abuse, even if the victim does not have any bruises.

1.3.2 Sexual Abuse:

According to RAINN, 33% of rapes are committed by a current or former partner of the victim. Sexual abuse includes forced intercourse, threats, coercion, and more. Even in a relationship, all people have the right to refuse sex and a partner forcing sex is rape. Many abusers attempt to use sexual coercion to pressure partners into sex, such as plying victims with drugs, saying that sex is owed due to the relationship, and pressuring the victim into sex through other means.

Besides outright rape or sexual violence, there are other ways that an abuser can perpetuate sexual abuse, for example by making demeaning sexual comments about a victim, escalating sex into acts that a victim didn’t consent to such as choking, and forcing a victim to dress in a sexual way, including for the gaze of others.

Reproductive coercion, when an abuser withholds contraception, intentionally becomes pregnant or forces a partner to become pregnant, or lies about birth control methods, is another form of sexual abuse.

1.3.3 Financial Abuse:

Financial abuse is not as widely recognized as a form of domestic abuse, but it can still have far-reaching consequences for survivors. A perpetrator of financial abuse controls the victim’s access to money by controlling their paychecks, employment, bank account, credit cards, and more.

Some abusers even steal money from their victims or their victims’ friends and family.

1.3.4 Emotional Abuse:

Survivors of emotional abuse may not be able to point to a bruise as evidence, but they are victims of domestic violence, nonetheless. Emotional abuse is when a partner uses words and emotions to control the other partner. Emotional abuse takes many different forms and encompasses gaslighting, threats, manipulation, coercion, and more.

Perpetrators of emotional abuse use their words to isolate their victims and often separate them from their own perceptions. An abuser may prevent you from seeing friends, monitor your movements, and threaten to end the relationship or withhold communication as punishment.

One common form of emotional abuse is gaslighting, when a partner causes the victim to question their own perceptions of reality by questioning memories of events, refusing to listen, and trivializing what happened.

1.3.5 Stalking:

Stalking is another common form of intimate partner violence. Although the stereotype of stalkers is that of a creepy stranger, many stalkers are current and former partners that use stalking to control and intimidate their victims. Stalking is a serious problem and one in seven women have experienced stalking by an intimate partner who was so violent they feared for their safety.

Stalking includes all forms of unwanted, repeated contact with a victim, including physical following, damaging a victim’s property, sending unwanted mail or gifts, and attempting to undermine the victim’s reputation by spreading rumors and infecting the victim’s social circle.

Like many forms of domestic abuse, stalking now has a digital component. A stalker can send threatening messages via the Internet, monitor a victim’s social media, or even create accounts impersonating the victim.

2. Common Signs of Domestic Violence

The first step in combating domestic violence is recognizing that it is happening. This is often easier said than done because abusers manipulate their victims so thoroughly that the victims feel shame and try to conceal what is happening or convince victims that what they are doing isn’t that bad.

How to Recognize If You Are in an Abusive Relationship?
Keep Reading.

Many survivors don’t realize that they are in an abusive relationship until they are months or even years into the situation. You shouldn’t feel shame or guilt if you are not able to identify what is happening. Here are some signs that you are in an abusive relationship.

2.1 Physical Violence:

Any form of physical aggression toward you is unacceptable. If your partner lays hands on you, your things, or people close to you, that is abuse.

2.2 You’re Unsure About Where You Stand:

Perpetrators of emotional abuse thrive on uncertainty. If you’re never certain about your partner’s affections and are constantly working to make them happy, that is a form of coercion. If you’re uncertain about your own perceptions of events because your partner constantly questions your perception of arguments you’ve had, that is a sign of gaslighting.

2.3 You’re Afraid to Do Things Without Their Permission:

Abusers thrive on control. If you’re afraid to change your appearance, get a job, or see friends because it would anger your partner, that is a sign of abuse and coercion.

2.4 Love Bombing:

An abusive relationship isn’t all violence. Abusers use a tactic known as love bombing, which includes grand displays of love, emotional apologies, and promises never to do it again to draw their victims in again after violent episodes. The cycle of abuse and affection keeps victims uncertain about where they stand and gives them hope that things will get better.

3. How to Tell If a Friend Is a Victim of Abuse

If you are worried about a friend or family member, here are some signs to look out for.

3.1 Unexplained Physical Injuries:

Many survivors attempt to conceal their injuries or lie about how they got them. Pay attention to unseasonably warm clothing to cover up bruises or unexplained absences from school or work. If you realize that someone you love constantly has bruises, cuts, or limps, ask about what is going on.

4. What Can You Do After Abuse Has Happened?

If you or someone you know is a victim of domestic abuse, here is what you can do.

4.1 Document What Happened

One of the keys to building a domestic violence case is documenting instances of abuse. If your partner hits you, take photos of your injuries, save any medical reports, and store them in a safe place.

Although physical abuse may be the easiest to document, that does not mean that you are helpless when it comes to gathering evidence of other abuse. Save threatening text messages, emails, or voicemails. Document instances of stalking or unwanted contact and gather witnesses if possible.

Even if you’re not sure yet if you want to pursue a legal case against your abuser, gathering evidence gives you the power to make that decision if you change your mind down the road.

4.2 Reporting Abuse

For many survivors, the way out of their situation is reporting the abuser to the relevant authorities. The law can help by implementing a restraining order, arresting the perpetrator, and connecting the survivors with resources for moving on after abuse.

Sadly, only a small fraction of domestic abuse survivors report the situation. There are a few reasons behind this, including taboos around IPV, fear of retaliation from the abuser, and mistrust of authorities. There is a lot of work to do to ensure that all survivors feel safe reporting their abuse.

4.3 Leaving an Abusive Relationship

To an outsider, the response to an abusive situation is simple—leaving. However, for a victim, the answer is not so simple. Many victims are emotionally beat down so hard that they may believe they are deserving of the abuse or that it’s not that bad. Others cannot leave because their partner controls their finances, children, or immigration status. Still others are afraid of physical retaliation and with good reason—the most dangerous time for survivors of domestic violence is right after they try to leave.

If you know someone in an abusive relationship who cannot leave, do what you can to help them leave that situation. You can help by lending them money, offering to store their possessions at your house in preparation for leaving, or finding a safe place for them and any children.

If you are in an abusive relationship and want to leave but don’t know how, the best way to start is by making a safety plan. Identify a safe place that you can go to during an abusive episode, such as a domestic violence shelter or a neighbor’s place. Prepare a safety bag and hide some money in a separate bank account in advance. If you have children, prepare them for the possibility of leaving, with a code word if necessary.

5. What Are Your Rights as a Survivor?

Every person has a right to live free from physical violence, threats, harassment, and other forms of abuse. If you are a victim of abuse, the most important thing to keep in mind is that it is not your fault. There is nothing that you did to deserve the abuse. You have a right to safety just by existing as a person and you do not need to earn it.

California state law protects survivor’s rights in a few ways by punishing perpetrators of domestic violence, protecting victims from unwanted contact via restraining orders, and awarding damages in the form of money and custody rights.

Certain laws can protect survivors during legal proceedings if you decide to pursue legal action against your abuser. Marsy’s Law or the Victim’s Bill of Rights, which protects victims of all crimes, protects you from harassment, intimidation, or stalking by the defendant or the defendant’s family.

6. How Can a Domestic Violence Lawyer Help?

If you are a victim of domestic abuse, you are not only a survivor of a heinous form of violence, but you are also the survivor of a crime. A domestic violence lawyer can help you leave your abuser, rebuild your life, and pursue legal action if you choose to do so.

6.1 Filing a Restraining Order

If someone has abused or threatened to abuse you and that person is someone who you have a close relationship with, you can file for a domestic violence restraining order. The state of California also allows you to file a restraining order on behalf of your child (under the age of 12).

A restraining order prevents an abuser from contacting you physically or in other ways. An order can also include other provisions such as orders to pay child support, alimony, insurance payments, and other bills.

Navigating the process of filing a restraining order and figuring out the right kind of order to get is difficult, which is why it is best to have a lawyer help you with filing.

6.2 Navigating Divorce

If you are married to your abuser, then a domestic violence lawyer is crucial to helping you leave the situation. A lawyer can help protect your assets and get the financial support that you deserve in terms of alimony from your spouse. This is particularly important if you are a survivor of financial abuse, or you suspect that your spouse is hiding assets to avoid sharing with you.

Another aspect of divorce that you need a lawyer for is child custody. Some courts will award partial custody to abusers if the perpetrators claim they were only abusive to their spouses, not their children. A lawyer can help you prove that your abuser is harmful to your children as well and protect your kids from exposure to such a violent person.

6.3 Pursuing Criminal Charges

You are not obligated as a survivor to pursue criminal charges against your abuser if that is not what you want to do. However, if you have been the victim of serious physical or sexual abuse, you may want to press charges against your abuser.

Going to court and sending your abuser to prison can protect you and your family, at least for the duration of that sentence. It prevents the abuser from finding other victims to coerce and control. For many survivors, the process of pressing charges, sharing their testimonies, and finally seeing their abusers punished is cathartic and crucial to their healing.

However, criminal cases for domestic violence can drag on and are difficult to navigate. You should have a domestic violence lawyer by your side who can help you navigate the process, evaluate the strength of your case before going to court, and protect you and your family during the process.

WGS Law: Your Domestic Violence Lawyer

Domestic violence is a serious problem that affects countless men and women in the state of California. Besides physical violence, it can take many other forms and have lasting effects on a victim’s physical well-being, mental health, and quality of life.

If you or someone you know needs help navigating an abusive relationship, schedule a virtual consultation via Zoom with WGS Law. Legal assistance can help you document abuse, file a restraining order, and navigate divorce proceedings.

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We hope you found our Domestic Violence Guide helpful! Please contact the experienced team at WGS Law to receive legal advice.

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